The time I first heard the word ‘Vertigo’ was when the band U2 let out its new single in 2004. It was a great song to me at that time—engaging, entertaining and just alright, I suppose.
Little did I know that the word ‘Vertigo’ would uneasily gnaw at me this fine day in the year 2015.
So today I am sitting at the dinner table scrolling through the possible jobs that I might find suitable for myself online and I feel…
I feel… What is that word?
Upset? (Well, yes but more than that)
Frustrated? (A little but not entirely)
Lost? (Not completely lost because there’s still this spark of hope within myself).
What is that word then?
Ah, yes. I feel like I am stuck in Vertigo—light-headed, off-balance and just so uneasy.
All my life, I have been a close friend with the word ‘stability’. I have always known for sure what I’d study next or what I would next move on to accomplish in life. I had it somehow planned, having figured out my strengths and weaknesses. As the eldest in my family, I didn’t want to let anyone down and so I tried my hardest to plan ahead meticulously.
But in 2011, the chain of events that unfurled, set my family and I spinning in another direction. (Perhaps in many different directions) We were in an unruly, unpredictable, disorganized situation. In a mess. At least, we were sort of in it together.
However, after very slowly navigating ourselves out of these difficult situations, everyone had drastically changed. I’d say most of my family members emerged out of it stronger but their set of beliefs had changed. A person’s set of beliefs almost make up who they are as it influences them to make specific decisions in life—pretty much controlling their decisions and actions.
And my set of beliefs, as opposed to theirs, leaves me feeling like the man in the picture below—the one who seems to be struggling alone.
Now, it is getting especially harder when I am seeking a serious job and am currently swimming in the murky river of unemployment. This is especially tricky because I have many responsibilities to fulfill, being part of a family. On the other hand, if I was completely alone with no chains attached, I’d navigate myself in an entirely different course.
Vertigo. The word blinks in my mind again.
“Snap out of it,” my mum chides.
Alright, alright. There, there now.
For a split second, I wonder to myself where my faith has ran away to.
I don’t want to be left alone in Vertigo. It is a strange place that warps your confidence and hope. A dangerous place.
“Mum, can I have some tea please?” I ask.
Hopefully, a sip of tea will do the trick of getting me to snap out of Vertigo.